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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  March 26, 2013 1:30am-2:00am PDT

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gentleman gus rogers is artistic director of. they get a bunch of really good actors and then myself to appear in shows that these 10-year-olds write. they're about five minutes >> jon: it's awesome. i've been a part of that a couple times until the 10-year-olds decided that i couldn't act. >> apparently lewis black teaches comedy. >> jon: lewis black teaches comedy to children >> i really want to see that jon: 10-year-olds look at him like this. the third season of game of thrones, not on give anything away but your family does win and you become king. and the dragons return. >> oh, i know so much. jon: do you really? just give me one little giblet. >> we get a drive-through...
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jon: oh, he's lying to you. the third season game of thrones premieres on hbo sund sund
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that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much.
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[cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen"] thank very much. please, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. good to have you with us. in here, out there, everywhere, everybody. nation, i have to tell you. i cannot tell a lie, i have a sworn duty to tell you truth every time i speak to you no matter what hears. [cheers and applause] you know this has been hard -- [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen -- [cheers and applause] thank you. please, sit down. sit down. nation, i've missed you. [cheers and applause] i've been on vacation for the last two weeks in the kay man islands visiting my -- cayman
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islands visiting my money. [laughter] it says hi by the way. the miss the rough and tumble of news cycle. getting my opinion out there about the stories that matter, the crisis in cyprus, the assault weapons ban, the release of "the croods". this movie has a small government message in that government has not yet been invented. but as one of america's most influential catholics i wanted to cover the conclave to name a new pope. it's like the christian super bowl except with less thanking jesus. [laughter] as a broadcaster, i love this story, folks, because there's no more thrilling tv than live footage of the vatican chimney. [laughter] santa's first stop every year by the way. waiting for that pivotal moment when the smoke changes color.
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>> we have smoke. it appears -- it appears gray. it's whitish. >> the smoke is white and it appears we have a new pope. >> breaking news, the world's 1.2 billion roman catholics have a new pope. >> we have a new pope. >> stephen: yes, we have a new pope, me and the reverend al sharpton. see you at mass on sunday, al. [ laughter ] the point is: the lord hath smokein. habeas this guy-em. cardinal jorge bergoglio of argentina or as he will be known pope francis. the first pope named for st. francis of assisi, one of the most beloved of all time. that's a ballsy move, it's like going with the name pope kitten
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falling asleep. [laughter] pope franky has waste nod time. our pope now no longer looks like he is out to crush the rebel alliance. [cheers and applause] but as much -- [cheers and applause] -- as much as i like the new pontiff, i may he may be going too faf with his message of pope and change. [laughter] >> setting a tone for a humbler, simpler paip cinch he dreams of a church on the side of the poor. >> he refused to sit on a thrown to accept oath of allegiance but stood on the same level. >> pope francis shocked a newspaper stand when he personally called to cancel his subscription. >> he is a guy who rides the bus. >> pope francis doesn't want the limo or the fancy red shoes. >> even his shoes, regular black ones, not the expensive leather red shoes pope benedict favored.
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>> stephen: wait a second, no red shoes? that's -- sacrilege. now the fleet of flying monkeys will make no sense. the church to be poor? that's not the catholic church i signed up for rm when i toss a saw buck in the basket i want production values that means marble, gold and stained glass. i believe religion should be like going to the avengers, who cares what it's about, as long as it looks cool and can i eat popcorn. [cheers and applause] [laughter] and those are not the only traditions pope francis is throwing out the window. >> a major break in tradition the mass on holy thursday will be held in a chapel at a juvenile detention facility. during the ceremony pope francis will wash the feet of 12 young
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inmates. >> stephen: washing the feet of young inmates. let me get this straight. i have to camp out overnight in st. peter's square just to catch a glimpse of him. meanwhile some hooligan bambino jacks a steero and next thing you know he's getting his feet washed by the pope. he's getting a mani-popee. i don't get it. your holiness if you don't want to end up as somebody's punk in prison, as soon as you get up there walk up to the biggest guy in the yard and you just bless him right in the face. [cheers and applause] folks, talking about the jesus. floofort four weeks -- for the last four years -- god i hope that wasn't jesus i was about to the hit. [laughter] for the last four weeks, we've
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been glued to the history channel's five-part mini series "the bible." and mini series is appropriate, i think because the word of god doesn't really have the legs to sustain an entire series like the history channel's "big shrimpin." who could have seen the season finale coming when they caught more shrimp? [laughter] now "the bible" is brought to you by america's preeminent thee logical scholars survivor producer mark burnett and his wife former touched by an angel star roma downey who also plays the virgin mary. i wonder who she had to sleep with to get that part? nobody! it's called the immaculate audition. this is huge.
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[laughter] don't take it from me, folks. this is how huge it is. take it from the man who wrote the bible, mark burnett. >> in 2013 it's put freshness of life to the greatest story ever told. millions will open the bible or reopen it. maybe a billion. >> a billion new people will open the bible. >> i'm a blunt person and to be honest with you a billion is a low number. >> stephen: a billion is a way low number because as the bible says pride cometh before giant tv ratings. if you enjoy watching "the bible" you want to explore the source material. i speak, of course, of the story of god and all of us a novel based on the epic tv series "the
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bible." all the biblical stories you loved from the series finally assembled into one book. [cheers and applause] [laughter] but as much as i love the bible, i do have one beef, a beefcake jesus. jesus makes his first appearance in this mini series this coming sunday cox be a ratings bonanza. >> sure. >> birth of jesus, his baptism and i'll remain from make any comments about jesus' hunky appearance. >> a good-looking jesus. >> stephen: yes, their jesus is way too hot. it is not project holiness when you cannot look at him without saying goddamn! [cheers and applause] more importantly -- [cheers and applause]
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more importantly we're supposed to relate to a jesus that suffered all that we suffered. he doesn't know our pain. he is being played by diogo morgado a portees star and model. we want a jeez yuck like us with a growing waist lane and reduced hairline. we want a jesus who spends less time walking on water and more time sitting in a baby pool drinking franzia. mark burnett there's one episode left. lose the model and giving you the shlubby broken down jesus we can identify with. because i like to this think that the real reason is there's only one set of footprints in the sand is because jesus doesn't go to the beach. he doesn't want to have to take his shirt off. we'll be right back. eers acheers a [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. [cheers and applause] folks, you know -- [cheers and applause] i don't know about you but i have just gotten a copy of this and i have for the last week been going through the details of congress's temporary six month government funding agreement. i have tell you it's got me jazz. in that like jazz it goes on forever and i don't understand it. [ laughter ] but this thing, this document right here is not the big news rocking washington. the big news everybody is talking about is the renaming of a conference room last thursday afternoon at the campaign legal center, a nonprofit devoted to campaign finance reform whose president is my former lawyer trevor potter. from here on out, their conference room will be called the ham rove memorial conference
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room. [cheers and applause] this is a moving tribute to my dearly digested friend ham rove who was the chief strategist for colbert super pac. you may remember our motto making a better -- >> tomorrow. >> stephen: last year. together ham rove and i contributed individual, corporate and union donations to support candidates in the 2012 election. ham picked the candidate so it's no surprise that a pile of lunch meat chose the white bread. ham rove may be gone but not forgotten especially by abc news who ask ham rove's mentor, karl rove, the question we've all been wondering. >> how do you feel about stephen colbert's ham rendition of your
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head. >> he's an entertainer but when he took out the knife and starting stabbing it he may need some counseling or encouraging somebody to maybe mimic him. but there was anxiety in his stab there's. >> stephen: karl. there's no need for anxiety. i'm in no way encouraging anybody to stab karl rove. there's a big difference between karl rove and ham rove. jimmy put up the pictures. [ laughter ] no, jimmy -- [cheers and applause] jimmy, no, not two ham roves, one of them should be karl. thank you, thank you. they are totally different. but, okay, because easter is coming up i want to ask everybody to make sure that the nice juicy ham you are cutting into is not karl rove.
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[ laughter ] there's an easy test. before you slice into your ham, ask it if it ever put anti-gay marriage legislation in swing states to tip the scales in the 2004 presidential election. if it answers yes, that could be karl rove. [ laughter ] actually if it answers at all, better not eat it at all. [ laughter ] and karl, to avoid any confusion with ham rove for the next week or so, please avoid the urge to cover your face with pineapple rings. [cheers and applause] [laughter] >> stephen: fight it. fight it. in an unrelated note, karl, if you are not doing anything this
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sunday, why not come over to my house for easter dinner? it's a potluck, but there's no need for to you bring a dish. [laughter] we'll be right back. chaise. [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight won a nobel prize and macarthur grant. big deal. i was only four numbers away from hitting the powerball.
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please welcome junot diaz. [cheers and applause] good to see you again. >> great to see you. >> stephen: sit down, my friend. may i call you my friend. mi amigo? >> either one. >> stephen: for people who don't know what an impressive figure you are you are a macarthur geniuses, a nobel prize winner and author. currently you are on the board of advisors at something called freedom university and teach writing at mit? >> yes. >> stephen: writing at imt -- >> i know. >> stephen: isn't that like teaching engineering at juliard. why? >> i know. everybody needs to learn writing even mit. >> stephen: why. you have siri now. you can dictate it to your iphone. >> have you tried it. it never works. >> stephen: i never read it
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back. >> writing is so useful. >> stephen: freedom university is a georgia college dedicated to educating undocumented immigrants. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: why? >> it's one of these situations where we had the georgia legislature decided to ban from the top five schools in georgia students from studying there. if undocumented youth or students were there, they are not permitted to study they were cut. even people who were accepted. one of the things that happened was a budge the of professor and young people got together said while we're waiting for this law to change we're going to create this university to keep the kids educated so they can keep taking classes and keep their minds going and also get access to the education which they want. >> stephen: why should they get this education? it's our education? it's american education. >> yes, well --
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>> stephen: they are taking american thoughts and ideas. that's american knowledge. >> except, you know -- >> stephen: no, i don't. [ laughter ] >> here is what it is. >> stephen: okay. >> this is the situation, every single immigrant we have, undocumented or documented is a future american. that's just the truth of it. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: no, no, it's not. you know what? >> yes, it is. >> stephen: you are talking about path to citizenship do you believe in that? >> doesn't the whole republican party believe in it now. >> stephen: not the whole republican party. >> leave to lose one more election. >> stephen: or one win if they turn out the base. i believe in the guest worker program because it's the right thing to do. like a guest in your home you can invite someone in, work until they don't need you and say get out. they have no say as to what happens in the house. >> every generation of americans has to answer, will be called a superman question.
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superman comes, lands in america, he is illegal. he is one ever these kids. he is wrapped up in a red bull fighter's cape and you have to decide what we're going to do with superman r. we going to give him the boot and say, you know what? you are illegal not an american or have compassion saying this kid was brought here -- before we knew he didn't have a say whether he was going to come. he is living in this country and even american. >> stephen: on krypton, do they speak span jish? >> that is the question. >> stephen: this is for undocumented immigrants or illegals? >> some people would say illegal. i say undocumented. >> stephen: i say illegal. undocument cod be like a canadian guy who lost his passport. >> right. you can look up the rules and the rules


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